@@ -551,6 +551,12 @@ function run(argv) {
   if (!v.ok || !tv.ok) process.exit(1);
 }
 
+// Returned by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed. The dispatch
+// refuses anything else: a `return` that leaves the function above that line
+// prints nothing and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported
+// as one that passed (#13798).
+const SELF_TEST_VERDICT = 'ablation-dist-preflight self-test reached its verdict';
+
 function selfTest() {
   const cases = [
     ['missing dist is red', { mode: 'present', distExists: false, scanned: 0, codeHits: 0, mapHits: 0 }, false],
@@ -742,6 +748,8 @@ function selfTest() {
     process.exit(1);
   }
   console.log('✓ ablation-dist-preflight self-test: all cases pass.');
+
+  return SELF_TEST_VERDICT;
 }
 
 const argv = process.argv.slice(2);
@@ -750,5 +758,14 @@ const invokedDirectly = isEntrypoint(import.meta.url);
 
 if (!invokedDirectly) {
   // imported as a module — expose the exports and do nothing else
-} else if (argv.includes('--self-test')) selfTest();
+} else if (argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    if (selfTest() !== SELF_TEST_VERDICT) {
+        console.error(
+            '\n✗ ablation-dist-preflight self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+                + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+                + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+        );
+        process.exit(1);
+    }
+}
 else run(argv);
@@ -3224,6 +3224,12 @@ function auditStock(cwd, head) {
 // real commits would be testing an imitation of the code path that ships.
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
+// Returned by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed. The dispatch
+// refuses anything else: a `return` that leaves the function above that line
+// prints nothing and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported
+// as one that passed (#13798).
+const SELF_TEST_VERDICT = 'check-adr-0087-registration self-test reached its verdict';
+
 function selfTest() {
   const failures = [];
   let checked = 0;
@@ -4898,6 +4904,8 @@ function selfTest() {
     process.exit(1);
   }
   console.log(`✓ check-adr-0087-registration --self-test: ${checked} assertions over real temp git repos (real scan()/assertInputs() path)`);
+
+  return SELF_TEST_VERDICT;
 }
 
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
@@ -4922,7 +4930,14 @@ if (isEntrypoint(import.meta.url)) {
   };
 
   if (argv.includes('--self-test')) {
-    selfTest();
+    if (selfTest() !== SELF_TEST_VERDICT) {
+      console.error(
+        '\n✗ check-adr-0087-registration self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+          + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+          + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+      );
+      process.exit(1);
+    }
   } else if (argv.includes('--list')) {
     list(REPO_ROOT, 'HEAD');
   } else if (argv.includes('--audit-stock')) {
 
@@ -953,7 +953,24 @@ function ambiguousAnchorRefs(anchorList, allowlist) {
   return hits;
 }
 
-if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) selfTest();
+// Set by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed, and read at the
+// dispatch: a `return` that leaves the function above that line prints nothing
+// and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported as one that
+// passed (#13798). The self-test's own exit code stays load-bearing, so the
+// handshake is a flag rather than a returned sentinel.
+let selfTestReachedVerdict = false;
+
+if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    selfTest();
+    if (!selfTestReachedVerdict) {
+        console.error(
+            '\n✗ check-adr-anchors self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+                + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+                + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+        );
+        process.exit(1);
+    }
+}
 
 let adrFiles;
 try {
@@ -1909,5 +1926,6 @@ function selfTest() {
     `✓ check-adr-anchors --self-test: ${checked} assertions over the real auditAdrDirectory() / ` +
       'auditCitedNumbers() / assembleAnchors() paths.',
   );
+  selfTestReachedVerdict = true;
   process.exit(0);
 }
@@ -365,6 +365,12 @@ function assert(cond, message) {
   }
 }
 
+// Returned by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed. The dispatch
+// refuses anything else: a `return` that leaves the function above that line
+// prints nothing and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported
+// as one that passed (#13798).
+const SELF_TEST_VERDICT = 'check-adr-links self-test reached its verdict';
+
 function selfTest() {
   // 1. Discrimination: verbatim link shapes are invisible; prose ones are not.
   const doc = [
@@ -452,12 +458,23 @@ function selfTest() {
   );
 
   console.log('✅ check-adr-links --self-test: discrimination, census, ADR-0046 pin and baseline staleness all verified');
+
+  return SELF_TEST_VERDICT;
 }
 
 /* Run only when invoked as a program. The extractor is exported so a future
  * caller (or a REPL session chasing a false positive) can import it without the
  * import itself sweeping the repo. */
 if (isEntrypoint(import.meta.url)) {
-  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) selfTest();
+  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    if (selfTest() !== SELF_TEST_VERDICT) {
+      console.error(
+        '\n✗ check-adr-links self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+          + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+          + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+      );
+      process.exit(1);
+    }
+  }
   else runCheck();
 }
@@ -325,6 +325,13 @@ function report(problems) {
 // Self-test — pins the RED paths so the gate cannot rot into a no-op.
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
+// Set by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed, and read at the
+// dispatch: a `return` that leaves the function above that line prints nothing
+// and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported as one that
+// passed (#13798). The self-test's own exit code stays load-bearing, so the
+// handshake is a flag rather than a returned sentinel.
+let selfTestReachedVerdict = false;
+
 function selfTest() {
   const fm = (modelLine) =>
     `---\nname: demo\ndescription: >\n  A demo agent.\n${modelLine ? `${modelLine}\n` : ''}---\n\nBody.\n`;
@@ -538,12 +545,24 @@ function selfTest() {
     process.exit(1);
   }
   console.log(`\n✓ check-agent-model-declared self-test: ${cases.length} cases pass.`);
+  selfTestReachedVerdict = true;
 }
 
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 function main() {
-  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) return selfTest();
+  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+      const selfTestCode = selfTest();
+      if (!selfTestReachedVerdict) {
+          console.error(
+              '\n✗ check-agent-model-declared self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+                  + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+                  + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+          );
+          process.exit(1);
+      }
+      return selfTestCode;
+  }
 
   const { files, problems: layout } = readAgentFiles();
   const { problems, results } = runAllChecks(files, INHERIT_JUSTIFIED);
 
@@ -811,6 +811,13 @@ function baseFixtureFiles(extra = {}) {
   };
 }
 
+// Set by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed, and read at the
+// dispatch: a `return` that leaves the function above that line prints nothing
+// and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported as one that
+// passed (#13798). The self-test's own exit code stays load-bearing, so the
+// handshake is a flag rather than a returned sentinel.
+let selfTestReachedVerdict = false;
+
 function selfTest() {
   const failures = [];
   const t = (name, actual, expected) => {
@@ -1014,12 +1021,24 @@ function selfTest() {
     return 1;
   }
   console.log('\n✓ check-agent-test-spelling --self-test: all cases pass');
+  selfTestReachedVerdict = true;
   return 0;
 }
 
 if (isEntrypoint(import.meta.url)) {
   const argv = process.argv.slice(2);
-  if (argv.includes('--self-test')) process.exit(selfTest());
+  if (argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    const selfTestCode = selfTest();
+      if (!selfTestReachedVerdict) {
+        console.error(
+          '\n✗ check-agent-test-spelling self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+            + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+            + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+        );
+        process.exit(1);
+      }
+      process.exit(selfTestCode);
+  }
   else if (argv.includes('--list')) list();
   else process.exit(run());
 }
@@ -373,6 +373,12 @@ async function main() {
 
 // ── Self-test ───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
 
+// Returned by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed. The dispatch
+// refuses anything else: a `return` that leaves the function above that line
+// prints nothing and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported
+// as one that passed (#13798).
+const SELF_TEST_VERDICT = 'check-aggregator-roster self-test reached its verdict';
+
 async function selfTest() {
   const failures = [];
   let checked = 0;
@@ -594,13 +600,24 @@ async function selfTest() {
       `(baseline + a dropped member and a phantom needs: entry for each of the ${REQUIRED_AGGREGATORS.length} required aggregators + ` +
       `six refusals + the --leg cross-check + the malformed-roster and laundered-non-member pins + the CI wiring).`,
   );
+
+  return SELF_TEST_VERDICT;
 }
 
 // The CLI dispatch is guarded so that IMPORTING this module is inert: `judge`
 // and `readWorkflows` are exported so another tree can be judged, and a module
 // that ran its gate on import would silently judge THIS repo instead and print
 // a verdict about the wrong subject (`check:entry-guard`).
 if (isEntrypoint(import.meta.url)) {
-  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) await selfTest();
+  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    if ((await selfTest()) !== SELF_TEST_VERDICT) {
+      console.error(
+        '\n✗ check-aggregator-roster self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+          + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+          + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+      );
+      process.exit(1);
+    }
+  }
   else await main();
 }
@@ -550,6 +550,13 @@ const REAL_NOTE =
   'no SDK method builds this URL -- the sys_user unlock_user action posts it directly; ' +
   'platform-admin gated (ADR-0068)';
 
+// Set by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed, and read at the
+// dispatch: a `return` that leaves the function above that line prints nothing
+// and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported as one that
+// passed (#13798). The self-test's own exit code stays load-bearing, so the
+// handshake is a flag rather than a returned sentinel.
+let selfTestReachedVerdict = false;
+
 function selfTest() {
   const fail = [];
   let cases = 0;
@@ -820,6 +827,7 @@ function selfTest() {
     process.exit(1);
   }
   console.log(`check-auth-mount-ledger --self-test: ${cases} assertions OK (right boundary, lane exclusion, rationale, pending ratchet).`);
+  selfTestReachedVerdict = true;
 }
 
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
@@ -834,7 +842,18 @@ function refuse(why) {
 
 function main() {
   const argv = process.argv.slice(2);
-  if (argv.includes('--self-test')) return selfTest();
+  if (argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+      const selfTestCode = selfTest();
+      if (!selfTestReachedVerdict) {
+          console.error(
+              '\n✗ check-auth-mount-ledger self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+                  + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+                  + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+          );
+          process.exit(1);
+      }
+      return selfTestCode;
+  }
 
   const mountAbs = join(ROOT, MOUNT_SOURCE);
   const ledgerAbs = join(ROOT, LEDGER_SOURCE);
 
@@ -697,6 +697,13 @@ function fixtureRepo(files) {
   return dir;
 }
 
+// Set by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed, and read at the
+// dispatch: a `return` that leaves the function above that line prints nothing
+// and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported as one that
+// passed (#13798). The self-test's own exit code stays load-bearing, so the
+// handshake is a flag rather than a returned sentinel.
+let selfTestReachedVerdict = false;
+
 function selfTest() {
   const SELF = fileURLToPath(import.meta.url);
   let failed = 0;
@@ -1097,12 +1104,24 @@ function selfTest() {
     process.exit(1);
   }
   console.log(`\n✓ check-bash32-floor self-test: ${cases} cases pass.`);
+  selfTestReachedVerdict = true;
 }
 
 // ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 function main() {
-  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) return selfTest();
+  if (process.argv.includes('--self-test')) {
+    const selfTestCode = selfTest();
+    if (!selfTestReachedVerdict) {
+      console.error(
+        '\n✗ check-bash32-floor self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+          + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+          + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+      );
+      process.exit(1);
+    }
+    return selfTestCode;
+  }
 
   const rootFlag = process.argv.indexOf('--root');
   const root = rootFlag === -1 ? REPO_ROOT : process.argv[rootFlag + 1];
 
@@ -791,6 +791,12 @@ function main(argv) {
 
 // ── Self-test ────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
 
+// Returned by `selfTest()` only after its verdict is printed. The dispatch
+// refuses anything else: a `return` that leaves the function above that line
+// prints nothing and still exits 0 — a self-test that never finished, reported
+// as one that passed (#13798).
+const SELF_TEST_VERDICT = 'check-changeset-no-major self-test reached its verdict';
+
 function selfTest() {
   const failures = [];
   let checked = 0;
@@ -1508,14 +1514,23 @@ function selfTest() {
     `✓ check-changeset-no-major --self-test: ${checked} assertions ` +
       '(frontmatter dialects measured against @changesets/parse + the pre/exit exemption switch in both directions + the #7005 diff scoping over real temp git repos + the #4690 pins + the wiring).',
   );
+
+  return SELF_TEST_VERDICT;
 }
 
 // ── main ─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
 
 const argv = process.argv.slice(2);
 
 if (argv.includes('--self-test')) {
-  selfTest();
+  if (selfTest() !== SELF_TEST_VERDICT) {
+      console.error(
+          '\n✗ check-changeset-no-major self-test: selfTest() returned without reaching its verdict,\n'
+              + 'so no success line was printed. Exiting 0 here would report a self-test\n'
+              + 'that never finished as a self-test that passed.\n',
+      );
+      process.exit(1);
+  }
 } else if (argv.includes('--list')) {
   list();
 } else {